things I should have said but didn’t

Jan 22, 2023

We all have moments that we think back on and wish they had gone differently. I should’ve done this or said that or left or stayed or whatever it is. I remember when I was first starting to fall in love with poetry, there was a specific book whose excerpts kept showing up on my Pinterest feed. Reading them always felt like they knocked the wind out of me. I don’t remember the exact title now, as it’s been years since I’ve seen one of the excerpts, but the premise was that they were letters that the person never sent. Words that were left unspoken. I’m always afraid to leave something unsaid, because who knows what could happen later today or tomorrow or next week or a year from now. However, there have also been so many moments where I swallow my words. Times where I’ve swallowed my words until I could barely stomach myself.

Now this isn’t meant to be things I wish I had said to one specific person or anything like that. It’s more so the idea that so often there are things we feel the need to hide.

There are good things that we leave unsaid, like when you start to have a crush and you COULD tell them you like them but instead you don’t. There’s fear there, the fear that you could embarrass yourself by telling someone you feel so deeply for them, and they might not give a single care about you.

There are bad things that we leave unsaid, like when you let someone disrespect you so often that you start to accept it as right. There’s guilt there, the guilt that we had a responsibility to stand up for ourselves but didn’t, or worse yet, felt that we couldn’t. It’s not easy to form thoughts and feelings into words and so often we find it hard to really convey our emotions in a way that someone else will fully understand. We accept bad things because we think we deserve them. And there are so many instances when I should have said, you are disrespecting me because you are projecting the way you feel about yourself, and I will not stand to be your emotional punching bag. I’m leaving, and you’re never gonna see me again. And one day, when you find me on the internet, and see me thriving and happy and doing everything you thought I couldn’t, I hope you look away.

My happiness isn’t yours to appreciate.

I’m gonna start to sound like a broken record, but I’m an overthinker. Always have been and probably always will be. But I’m also so courageously honest. My poems show everything about me. They’re raw and rhymey and really painful to write, but also cathartic and ethereal, and everything about me that feels so right. In a way they’re all the words I should have said, but didn’t. I was afraid. Those silly little poems have made me be so honest with myself, and in consequence so honest with everyone around me. I’m not afraid to be who I am because I say exactly what I think. And I know for a fact, that if I was put in the same situations today, that I was put in two years ago, three ago, ten years ago, I would behave completely different. That’s growth. But growth comes with time. It is too often that we feel the need to pave over past versions of ourselves. We say all the harsh things people have said to or about us. But growth doesn’t work that way. If you put cement over a plant, it will never grow. However, if you take care of it, give it water, give it time, let it be outside in the sun, play it music, show it excitement when it does something as simple as growing, you can see how wonderfully it blossoms. You’re the plant too. Don’t chastise yourself for things you should’ve said but didn’t, because you’re judging a past version of yourself with a present self mindset. Growth doesn’t work like that.

I should’ve told myself I was beautiful at ten. In the same way I should’ve told myself I’ve always been smart and capable. That a grade doesn’t determine my worth. It doesn’t matter if someone else has said it too. I should’ve said it to myself. But I didn’t, and the consequences lasted years.

I always think about my future daughter, who I hope and pray I’ll be lucky enough to meet someday. And this is cheesy to say but every time something bad happens in my life, I write advice to her. Everything I should’ve said, is what I tell her to say. Now I’m not gonna share what I’ve told her, because that’s between me and my future hija. But it makes me take a step back to every situation, after the fact, how would I react? What would I have done differently?

It’s weird to say, but sometimes giving advice to someone else, about something that you’re currently experiencing, brings clarity to your situation. If you would’ve told your friend to dump her shitty ex when they were dating, why do you stay with yours? If you would have told your sister to apply to her dream job that’s too far away, why did you delete your own application? Really makes you see things a little differently huh…

Now, there’s plenty I should’ve said but didn’t. Because I was scared, we’re all a little scared aren’t we? We’re afraid to stand up for ourselves in case things get worse, afraid to tell our friends they’re treating us badly because we don’t want them to feel bad, too afraid to break out of our comfort zone because we’re safe here, aren’t we?

are we?

But I used to carry everything I should have said like rocks in my pockets.

They only ever hurt me.

They made it harder to move on.

Until I let them go.

And now they’re here, pieces of myself woven into my writing.

Things I should have said, but I wrote them instead.

Not everything can be said in the moment, and that’s okay. We don’t need to be witty or well-spoken when someone is making your heart shatter. It’s not easy to tell your friends that they make you feel like you don’t matter.

And if you find the courage to say what you need, then you’re much better than me.