things change

let them.

You know I loveeeee music so here is a little sountrack to listen to as you read :)

I think it’s been nearly what, a year? Since I last sat down and typed something out for this gorgeous blog. As some of you may know, when I first started this, I tended to publish the scripts from my podcast episodes that I needed to prewrite before recording sessions to calm myself down. Safe to say I no longer do that. However, the beautiful evolution of my social media career and confidence, means that I struggled to find what to say here. For someone that is constantly writing and posting, some things do still make me nervous (youtube I’m looking at you). The last time I posted on here so many things were unknown to me, they will stay unknown to you…for now ;), but there’s excitement in change. I used to HATE not knowing, now I feel like I am floating in the ocean with the sun hitting my face. Sure, a wave might come at any moment and I might end up coughing up so much water my nose burns, but I may also stay floating. I trust myself to deal with whatever may come.

Not too long ago, a friend gave me a pep talk when my anxiety was at its peak. She said “Celia, this person you’ve convinced yourself you have to be is not the person you are. It is who trauma convinced you that you had to be. Who do you want to be now?”

I thought about that sentiment for a longgggggg time. Who would I be without anxiety? What if I was brave enough to be the person I needed when I was younger? It’s a scary thought but what if you can protect yourself now? What if we are the new adults?

I went on a first date a while ago (GASP!) and it was really nice. However, I had this gut feeling that the person and I maybe weren’t ultimately compatible. If I had been younger, I would have convinced myself I was wrong and that I just didn’t have enough experience to know what “compatible” actually meant.

Thank God we get older.

The values and wishes I hold at 25 are very different than the ones I had at 23, or 21, or 15. That’s OKAY. It’s OKAY to change your mind and realize what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what you want at all.

Anyways, I didn’t know how to put the sentiment into words…

until I did:

the day that we met 
i saw a foundation be built 
i was laying on a lawn 
as the cement bubbled and spilt 

out into what could be if i should 
be so inclined 
the walls settled up around me 
until myself i couldn’t find 

i was laying free of worry 
until i was laying by your side 
and the windows lost their light 
the truth, was rare to confide 

that the walls were full of photographs 
that i wanted to experience new 
you played back a video 
is that all I am to you? 

a nostalgic gust of wind 
that helped you settle down 
like a leaf or a rainstorm 
that caused the sky to frown 

the sun misses me, apparently 
misses seeing me outside 
the windows are all boarded 
the flowers have all died 

the garden asks for me, apparently
asks when i’m coming home 
but the kitchen is clean 
and i’m never alone 

maybe i should be, maybe i want to be 
maybe that’s telling, but what should it say?
i got too comfortable
being lonely anyway 

so i feel the air start to thin 
the sunshine grow dark 
the tree is full of foliage
but rotten at its bark 

no swing could be hanging 
no laughter could fill 
suddenly the cost for romance 
feels more like a bill 

that i didn’t ask for 
that my heart drops to see 
so i try to force the door open 
and i don’t apologize as i leave 

and part of me wonders 
if it’s wrong if i don’t turn back
if i felt suffocated by the thought 
of finally getting to unpack 

if i run and I like it 
if i keep my last name 
if i run until i realize 
i am no longer the same 

the future misses me
apparently, that’s what the wind surmises 
as i take a deep breath 
and fall into surprises 

that feel like water 
on a hot summer day 
running barefoot on grass 
what did you want me to say? 

i met the open-air version 
of the life i wanted to live 
now i can’t go back inside 
to the life you wanted to give 

let it find you :)

give yourself room,

give yourself time

possible even maybe,

let yourself rhyme

CON AMORE!

cel