I’ve only ever really been in two relationships, and with all due respect to my first boyfriend, in my head, I’ve only really been in one.
I was going through some old videos in my hard drive the other day when I found a video I had forgotten to erase. It was me, little teenage me, in love. However, that me, standing next to some guy she was making googly eyes at, was so deeply uncomfortable you could feel it even through the screen. She was walking on eggshells. Love was conditional. It liked me on the days when it was free. If I did everything right, love that day, didn’t have a fee.
It broke me. Of course it did, how can you love like that? Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Maybe just maybe, today we’ll be together.” he loves me
“Maybe just maybe, he won’t ignore me today.” he loves me not
“ Maybe just maybe, we’ll make it to a year.” he loves me
“Maybe just maybe, he won’t dump me again.” he loves me…
not
I hated LOVE.
Love was inconsistent, traumatizing at best.
Love was showing up prepared, then failing some unwritten test.
I’ve always been a romantic, but I lost it at this point in time
but love still existed within me…
because it had always been mine.
I started taking social media seriously after that break up, more than two years ago. Honestly, it helped me to not feel alone. Before there were lots of followers and before I knew how to do my makeup or take care of my hair, I would make videos and pretend that it was someone else giving me advice, someone else that looked like me telling me I was beautiful, someone else that knew everything about me and still wanted me around. Maybe that sounds silly to say, but I can say with full certainty that I wouldn’t have healed as well as I did if it hadn’t been for those videos. Silly videos and stupid videos and serious and deep and ridiculously poor quality videos that showed me I was worthy of being loved, especially by myself. Now this isn’t to say I think everyone needs to make videos to gain confidence, but I think since it was something that I wanted to do for so long, and kept holding myself back from, once I did it, I realized I was more capable than I once believed myself to be. I saw a quote once that said something along the lines of
“Confidence is your ability to keep promises to yourself”.
I promised myself the moon and I delivered it with *stars*.
I’ve always wanted someone to appreciate me in the most mundane moments. Those movie scenes where the girl is dancing in her room and the guy comes into the room and she doesn’t notice him so he appreciates her for a second. Just stands there and takes in her brightness. I was sick of waiting for someone else to give me permission to love myself. I was so sick of waiting for someone else to appreciate me. I can honestly say I’ve grown more in the last two years that I’ve been single than in the 21 years before it. I’ve learned so much about myself that I would have never have had the opportunity to know. I didn’t know how to get out of bad situations, I didn’t know how to leave shitty boyfriends, and I didn’t know that I was capable of loving myself. Of showing up for myself. All of this made me start writing poetry. There were so many thoughts I needed to get out. Words I never would’ve told people, I would now stand at a podium and shout.
So I LOVE Valentine’s Day. This wonderful day that celebrates friendship and love. Maybe just maybe, for a day, the hopeless romantics, turn hopeful. How beautiful is that?
I’m releasing this right before I go on a very hot date, with myself. Tonight I’m getting ready and doing my hair and makeup to make myself a nice dinner and then bake some vegan brookies (brownies combined with cookie dough are amazing 10/10 please go make them.
All this to say,
Happy Valentine’s Day amores <333
go show yourself some extra love today :)
P.S. MY EBOOKS ARE OUT !!!! (& they make an excellent gift!)
diary of a romantica, vol. I: lovers forgotten
diary of a romantica, vol. II: lovers remembered
Con amor siempre,
Cel <333
wonderful as always :) I gifted your e-book to myself this valentine's day. Reading 'em..It is amazing!!
Wow! Your depth at such a young age is intriguing. I enjoy your writing as it resonates with my own feelings about myself and the life I have lived so far. Somehow you words affect me and make me hopeful for my future. I look forward to reading more from you.